They Want Your Soul

December 5, 2005

Cafeteria food, scorn of the universe. To all who wish to prove that the government is out to get you, this should go right after Roswell.

A patty on a bun is not a sandwich. You can put ketchup on it. You can put mayo on it. You can put all these and chips on it and it still will not be a sandwich.

In the bowels of first period, others and I came up with the theory that cafeteria translates to “crap-on-a-bun-with-fries” (because if you do not eat the patty, you eat the fries) in some dead language. Most likely Latin, as that appears to be the dead language of choice for professions most do not trust. (Ex. Lawyers)

Of course, if you do not like that option, there are plenty of others to gripe about. Like the wonders of the snack bar. I do not know if every school has one, but I got to eat from it for the first time in sixth grade. Sure, brownies and a Yahoo are not healthy, but look me straight in the eye and tell me they don’t taste better than raw hotdogs. That and the line is usually a lot shorter. When they tell you they give you plenty of time to eat, they’re lying through their teeth. So naturally, we are going to seize any time we can.

And of course there is packed food, the” healthy alternative”. Ha, do not make me carve my eyes out with a fork. Have you looked in the average American’s fridge? It is the snack in one convenient area. A squished sandwich, chips, and a soda that has been sitting in a backpack all day, that is just SOOO much better. That’s healthy all right. That is so healthy; I bet that is what all those moronic anorexic girls bring to school. Wow, and what do you know, it is, go figure.

In the end, it might be better, but nobody is going to care if it’s healthy, people are going to care if it tastes good. Unless they’re on a diet, in which case they’re not going to eat at all due to non existent calories.

Skinny’s not healthy, snacks are not healthy, provided foods are not healthy, and whoever made up this system needs to go jump off a cliff. I just want to go home and let Mom make me lunch... Ok, I’m done now; proceed from this piece of rant back to your normal lives in an orderly fashion. Thank you and remember, if their ribs are showing, they need food or lessons in how not to be a moron

Name: Minerva, Goddess of geeks. Age: 14 Occupation: Writing food essays, going to school and driving Mom crazy. Hobbies: Collecting quotes, petting dogs, messing up my friend's hair and annoying my Mom. Life so far: Born. Made it through middle school alive. My Favs: Ice cream, my dog, .hack , 3rd period, the Daily Show, british humor. anime, the Discovery Channel and my iPod. My Minions: my dog, Duke, Phil the Wizard Monkey of Oz, Ed Elric and Patsy Stone.

Email questions or comments for these two young women to webmaster@drgourmet.com.